How's Your Love Life?

Dear Annoyed with People That Ask About Your Love Life,

I am constantly in situations where I deal with this. Whether it's with family I haven't seen in a while or old friends I run into, I am always being asked about my love life. And when you've been single as long as I have, this starts to wear on you. I don't mind when people I haven't seen in a really long time ask me about it because I know they don't know. I certainly don't mind if my close friends ask because that's rare and they know that I will bring it up and tell them. In fact, it's not really the asking that bothers me. It's the way many of them react when I tell them I'm single.

I know as a society we have come a long way from viewing women as solely being housewives and having their main purpose in life be to marry and have children. Nowadays, the idea of women being independent and having successful careers outside of the home is often the norm. Many women juggle their careers and being a mother at the same time. They are also getting married a lot later in life. But sometimes I feel like we haven't completely let go of the idea that if a woman is not married or a mother, then there is something wrong. I have felt this implied in conversations with others. I have recognized this in my own emotions and feelings about being single. Sometimes I feel embarrassed or I don't know if it's the right word, but ashamed to be single. "Are you dating anyone?" and "How's your love life?" have become dreaded questions of mine. It's why I often don't want to see people from high school because I feel like if I am still single, I am failing at life somehow (it also doesn't help that about 80% of my graduating class is married by now). I know usually people don't mean anything by it but it's how I feel.

I also can't stand the pity. Just because I'm single does not mean you need to pity me. I am not dying. I do not have some horrible disease. I am not an old maid. Yet, somehow I often end up feeling like one of these things is true when I tell someone I'm single. Case in point: I went to a friend from high school's wedding a couple of years ago. At the wedding, I ran into a couple I knew from high school. They had been high school sweethearts and had gotten married a few years before. I was talking to them when suddenly the girl asked me who I was there with. I just shrugged and said "No one." And she went "Awww!" and gave me this pitying look. It made me feel about three inches tall. I know she didn't mean to be rude or make me feel that way. But again, it's the implication that because I am alone at a wedding, I must be sad, or you should feel sorry for me. Believe me, I wallow in enough of my own self-pity, I don't want or need anymore.

Now, please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that I don't appreciate relatives and friends that want me to be with someone. I do. I am so grateful to have people in my life that really care. I especially appreciate the empathetic ears of friends who understand this. I have a single close friend who has told me stories about how when she gets together with some of her family, the entire conversation often turns to why she isn't married yet and if she's dating anyone. She has ended up sitting there while many of her relatives discuss her love life (or lack thereof) and tell her to try online dating (which she has multiple times). On a side note: just a piece of advice to those who know someone who is single. Please don't suggest online dating to them. Trust me, most of the time they have either already tried it and not succeeded or will eventually decide on their own to try it. I know you're just trying to help but it often just comes out sounding like some cure-all band-aid to fix our problem of being single. I am not dissing online dating here. I know several couples who are now married because they met online. I know it works for people and am so glad it does! But again please, unless we specifically ask you what we should do, don't suggest it.

I know all of this may make me sound rude and irritated with people. I have definitely been convicted of this many times. I know I need to be more understanding and not sensitive when people say certain things. I know they don't mean to be rude or insensitive. It's something I've been working on and God has shown me that I need to continue to work on. I just need to focus on God and His purpose and plan for me. Not what other people think. If you're struggling with the same thing, just remember that you can't control how people act but you can control how you react. And God would want you to react with love and understanding. Not frustration or annoyance.

I have the verse below highlighted in my Bible. Years ago when I highlighted it, I wrote in the margin next to it "My goal." It's definitely one of my life goals and something I try to remember whenever I start to get annoyed with another question about my love life.

Ephesians 4:2 NIV "Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love."