All By Myself (Part One)

Dear Lonely,

Everyone experiences loneliness. Not always in the sense of being single. Some may not have a support system of family and friends around them-whether temporarily or for a long time. Others may feel like they have lots of friends but no one they can really turn to or talk to. And others are lonely within relationships like marriages. I've never experienced that kind of loneliness but I can only imagine how awful that must be. I've experienced all kinds of loneliness in varying degrees but the one I relate to the most is being single when you don't want to be.

I go through many different emotions when I'm lonely. In fact, loneliness makes me a little crazy. Sometimes I wallow in self-pity and think "I'm going to be alone forever!" Other times I just cry and beg God to take away the pain and the desire to have someone. Then there are times where I literally feel like I can't stand being alone for one more second. That's when I get angry and frustrated. That's when I drown myself in distractions (and chocolate) and avoid God-except to yell at Him for not giving me what I want.

It's the worst when I see couples walking around flaunting their happiness (even though they're not trying to). A perfect example of this is the movie 500 Days of Summer. There's a part in the movie where Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character has just been dumped. He sees a couple holding hands while walking down the street and yells, "Get a room!" I laughed so hard when I first saw that part because I have thought the exact same thing so many times.

I know that these emotions and feelings can be funny at times but I also know how painful and difficult they can be. That is the reason why it affects me so deeply whenever I see someone else struggling with loneliness. In my small group at church, there is a woman in her 50's. She's been married and divorced twice. She is single now. A few weeks ago, she broke down and started talking about how lonely she was. She talked about how she just wanted someone to be there, to hold her, and to talk to. She said, "I know I have Jesus but it's not the same thing because it's not right there in front of me." My heart broke for her because I knew exactly how she felt. I can't even begin to describe what it's like sometimes. There have been times where I've been curled up in a ball, sobbing, because I could almost physically feel the pain of wanting someone.

I know that some people may not understand this-why I feel this way about being single. Some may even think it's silly and insignificant because others struggle with worse things. I know that people have much bigger problems and are dealing with horrific things. I remind myself constantly of that. But that still shouldn't discredit the pain that myself and so many others feel about this. I know God doesn't. I know He cares about anything that causes us pain or distress. And I know He's there even when we feel utterly alone.

Psalm 34:17-18 NIV "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."