Dear Feeling Out of Place,
I feel like I'm at a very awkward age/life stage right now. This is particularly true at church. I'm 29 years old-almost in my 30's. Scary! But since I'm unmarried with no children, I feel like there's not really a home base/community for people around my age and in the same life stage at church. We have a young adult group for 18-25 year olds. We have groups for couples, for stay at home moms, single moms, but none really for anyone 25+ up who are just focusing on other things right now. And I know this is difficult because most people that go to my church are either college kids or families. So why would they create something for the one (maybe more) people who aren't part of any of those groups. I understand all of this and yet I still feel like an outsider sometimes because I don't "belong" in any group.
This has made me think about how much of our identity is tied to what "group" we belong to or see ourselves in. We're either a "college student" "teenager" "wife" "single mom" "divorced parent" etc. The stage we're at in life right now shouldn't define us. Mostly because it will most likely change eventually, but also because it is not who we are. Yes, it's a part of our life and it influences our decisions, perspective, and behavior. But it ultimately doesn't sum us all up in a neat tidy bow. We are so much more than any of these groups or labels we put ourselves in. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to put ourselves there, it's just that can't be ALL we focus on. When we only choose to focus or define ourselves as this one thing , and then that changes or we lose it somehow, then we feel completely lost. But the truth is we do have somewhere we always belong. That is with God. Our identity is found in God. We are His child. He is ours and we are His.
Psalm 100:3 NIV "Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his. We are his people, the sheep of his pasture."
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Thursday, February 27, 2014
God is Good
My life group from church has been sharing their life stories with each other for the past couple of weeks. We've each told everyone about our personal walk with Christ and have shared our hearts, pain, and struggles with each other. I love hearing about where other people come from. I love to hear about all the things and people in their lives that have shaped them and made them into the people they are today. It is such a wonderful thing to see God's fingerprints all through someone's life journey-especially in the heartache and pain. I got choked up tonight listening to some of the heartbreaking and really difficult things people have been through and are still going through. But then seeing and hearing from them how God was there, how he has brought beauty from ashes, just made my heart burst with joy and love. It's such an amazing thing to hear. It's encouraging for me in my own struggles to see how much God has used those things in other people's lives. Let us all remember in the midst of pain and trials that God is so good!
Vulnerability
I recently had a very good and interesting discussion with my small group from church about vulnerability. We watched this TED talk: Vulnerability It was just so insightful and resonated with me in so many ways. Why IS it so hard to be vulnerable? Part of me knows that there are plenty of reasons why: fear of rejection, we don't want to be hurt, we don't want to be thought of as crazy, weird, needy, [insert whatever other adjective] here. Many of us still really care what other people think of us. I think a big thing too is the way our culture and society equate vulnerability with weakness. I've wrestled with this in regards to myself. When I see other people really be vulnerable and open and honest, I have a deep respect and admiration for them. I applaud them for their bravery and try to be as supportive as I can. But oftentimes, when I force myself to be really vulnerable, I cringe about it later. I berate myself and say, "Why did you act like that? Or why did you tell that person that?" This is hardest with people I really care about. When I open up and tell them things that are hard to say and often hard to hear, I play back the conversation in my head afterwards. I criticize myself for "revealing" too much or seeming "too weak". I know this is silly and ridiculous.
If we can't be our truest selves with those we really love, then what's the point? But it's hard because sometimes those we really care about don't respond well to our vulnerability. Our feelings get diminished or mocked. Sometimes they respond with anger and hostility. Or worse yet, total and complete indifference. And we end up sitting there wondering why in the world we even opened up our mouths in the first place. It's also hard to find people we can really be vulnerable with. Unfortunately, not everyone that comes into our lives is the right person to be vulnerable with or trustworthy. Sometimes those we thought we could be vulnerable with become people we need to start guarding our heart around. It's a hard and confusing balance to figure out. It's something I've been particularly struggling with lately.
After discussing all this and more in my group, I have to say it was so encouraging to hear how other people struggle with being vulnerable too. It's a struggle because we know we should do it. We know that's how God wants us to live, not only for Him, but for ourselves. When we let our guards down around each other, that's when we really see each other. That's when we can truly encourage, support, and be there for one another. It's hard. It's awkward. It's painful and uncomfortable. But God never promised us it would be easy. He will help us though. I've seen it my own life and in others around me. We CAN change and grow. And that is a wonderful thing.
If we can't be our truest selves with those we really love, then what's the point? But it's hard because sometimes those we really care about don't respond well to our vulnerability. Our feelings get diminished or mocked. Sometimes they respond with anger and hostility. Or worse yet, total and complete indifference. And we end up sitting there wondering why in the world we even opened up our mouths in the first place. It's also hard to find people we can really be vulnerable with. Unfortunately, not everyone that comes into our lives is the right person to be vulnerable with or trustworthy. Sometimes those we thought we could be vulnerable with become people we need to start guarding our heart around. It's a hard and confusing balance to figure out. It's something I've been particularly struggling with lately.
After discussing all this and more in my group, I have to say it was so encouraging to hear how other people struggle with being vulnerable too. It's a struggle because we know we should do it. We know that's how God wants us to live, not only for Him, but for ourselves. When we let our guards down around each other, that's when we really see each other. That's when we can truly encourage, support, and be there for one another. It's hard. It's awkward. It's painful and uncomfortable. But God never promised us it would be easy. He will help us though. I've seen it my own life and in others around me. We CAN change and grow. And that is a wonderful thing.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Let Us Sing for Joy to the Lord
I love music. I love hearing songs that perfectly encompass my emotions and feelings. So I guess it's not really a surprise that I feel such a strong connection to worship music. I feel God's presence and love in an overwhelming way so often when I'm worshiping and singing. I've heard before that God uses different things and ways to deeply connect with each one of us. Worship is definitely something that he uses for me. I sometimes feel like there just isn't enough time to worship and sing during church services. And I'm grateful that churches don't extend it all the time because then I think services would be just too long. But sometimes I just want a couple of hours dedicated to only worship and last night I was able to experience that at my old church. And it was glorious.
First of all, I should explain that I'm completely biased about this church in particular because I loved it when I was attending and it was the first church I ever went to that felt like home. One of the things I loved the most about it was the worship music and band. They have incredibly talented musicians leading worship, and the song arrangements are brilliant. I've even heard other people who don't normally attend there and have perfectly good worship music at their own church, say that their worship is seriously the best they've ever experienced. I completely agree and wholeheartedly believe God gave the church this amazing gift of worship.
So with all that being said, last night I had one of the best worship experiences I have had in a long time. I think it was partly a combination of nostalgia and love for this church, but mostly it had to do with God. I felt God more throughout those two hours than I have for a really long time. I just knew that He was there showering me and everyone in the room with His love, grace, and comfort. There's something so incredible about worshiping with other believers. It makes you feel unified, like you can do anything. Or in better terms, that GOD can do anything. It reminds you that are not alone. There are other believers out there fighting the good fight. It also makes you not only feel loved, but also loving towards others. I swear I could've run around and hugged every person there even though I didn't really know anyone. But I just had such an overwhelming urge to share the joy and love that God poured out over me. It was a great feeling. It rejuvenated and refreshed my dry and parched soul. I don't want to be an apathetic Christian. I feel like I have been. I've also been disheartened lately about people and things in the world. Thank God for nights like last night to remind me of why I'm here and alive and more importantly, how amazing He is.
Psalm 95:1-2 NIV "Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation. Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song."
First of all, I should explain that I'm completely biased about this church in particular because I loved it when I was attending and it was the first church I ever went to that felt like home. One of the things I loved the most about it was the worship music and band. They have incredibly talented musicians leading worship, and the song arrangements are brilliant. I've even heard other people who don't normally attend there and have perfectly good worship music at their own church, say that their worship is seriously the best they've ever experienced. I completely agree and wholeheartedly believe God gave the church this amazing gift of worship.
So with all that being said, last night I had one of the best worship experiences I have had in a long time. I think it was partly a combination of nostalgia and love for this church, but mostly it had to do with God. I felt God more throughout those two hours than I have for a really long time. I just knew that He was there showering me and everyone in the room with His love, grace, and comfort. There's something so incredible about worshiping with other believers. It makes you feel unified, like you can do anything. Or in better terms, that GOD can do anything. It reminds you that are not alone. There are other believers out there fighting the good fight. It also makes you not only feel loved, but also loving towards others. I swear I could've run around and hugged every person there even though I didn't really know anyone. But I just had such an overwhelming urge to share the joy and love that God poured out over me. It was a great feeling. It rejuvenated and refreshed my dry and parched soul. I don't want to be an apathetic Christian. I feel like I have been. I've also been disheartened lately about people and things in the world. Thank God for nights like last night to remind me of why I'm here and alive and more importantly, how amazing He is.
Psalm 95:1-2 NIV "Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation. Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song."
Thursday, March 7, 2013
I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty
I was at the library today and I overheard a teenage girl walk by another girl she didn't know and say, "You are so pretty." It was a completely sincere compliment. But the second I heard her say that I felt a twinge and immediately thought, "Why didn't she say that to me?" I've been thinking about why this bothered me and why that was my immediate reaction. I know it doesn't really matter what some random girl thinks of me and/or my beauty. But for some reason, I still wanted that admiration/compliment. I think this is a common thing for girls/women. We all want to be seen as beautiful. We all also have our own insecurities and struggles. I've grown over the years and most of the time I accept myself and the way I look. I try not to dwell on my insecurities or perceived flaws. But this wasn't always the case. In junior high and high school, I don't recall ever thinking I looked pretty or attractive. Whenever anyone complimented my appearance, I usually immediately dismissed it as them just being nice. Sometimes that young, teenage girl in me comes back out and I start to doubt myself and the way I look. I think this is the case for many women. Those deep insecurities we developed in childhood and adolescence come out either randomly or when we're feeling particularly vulnerable. God knows this about us-He created us after all. He knows sometimes we need to be told we're beautiful and special. He knows when we want other people-both men and women-to think we're beautiful. The thing is He is the only one who can give us the complete confidence and security we crave. It's God-confidence, not self-confidence. He wants us to see ourselves through His eyes. And what He sees is someone absolutely stunning and breathtaking. No matter what flaws we see in the mirror. God wants you to know, "You are so pretty."
Here's a couple of good books I've read that address more of what I've talked about:
Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge
A Confident Heart by Renee Swope
Psalm 139:14 NIV "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Here's a couple of good books I've read that address more of what I've talked about:
Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge
A Confident Heart by Renee Swope
Psalm 139:14 NIV "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Monday, January 14, 2013
Disappointment
Dear Dealing With Disappointment,
I've realized that most of the time when I write these posts, it's because I'm dealing with the same topic. And right now I'm dealing with disappointment. Today I was very disappointed by something that happened. I had my heart and hopes set on something that seemed so perfect and lined up with exactly what I have been praying for. But it fell through and I didn't get it. The whole time I was praying for this thing I wanted, I kept praying for God to close the door on it if it wasn't what He wanted. Apparently, it isn't what He wanted for me because the door is closed. And I'm upset and a little bitter about it. I wish I wasn't. I tried to prepare myself for things falling through and tried to let it go and have peace about it. But I didn't get what I really wanted and now I feel like a child throwing a tantrum because I didn't get what I want.
I think this disappointment is especially difficult for me to deal with right now because there are other areas in my life I have recently been disappointed about. Sometimes I feel like God dangles something in front of me, making me want it and chase after it, only to rip it away soon after. I've talked to other Christians who have felt the same way. It's easy for us to begin to think of God as this detached, cruel dictator who does things or keeps us away from things just because He can or feels like it. It's difficult to remember the truth. The truth that God loves us and He wants to bless us with good things and the desires of our heart. But He knows and understands things we don't. He has plans for us and He knows our future. And this affects the things He allows or brings into our lives.
The thing I try to think of when I'm feeling like this and don't understand why God has done something is how children are taken care of by their parents. Adults and parents understand and know things that kids don't. When they discipline their children or don't allow their kids to do something, it's because it's the best for them. They are protecting and teaching them through this. They are showing their love. This is what God does. It doesn't always feel like it's out of love, but it is. Maybe God has something better for us when we are disappointed. Or maybe it just isn't the right timing. We may never know. But tomorrow is a new day and we always have hope.
Romans 5:5 NIV "And hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
I've realized that most of the time when I write these posts, it's because I'm dealing with the same topic. And right now I'm dealing with disappointment. Today I was very disappointed by something that happened. I had my heart and hopes set on something that seemed so perfect and lined up with exactly what I have been praying for. But it fell through and I didn't get it. The whole time I was praying for this thing I wanted, I kept praying for God to close the door on it if it wasn't what He wanted. Apparently, it isn't what He wanted for me because the door is closed. And I'm upset and a little bitter about it. I wish I wasn't. I tried to prepare myself for things falling through and tried to let it go and have peace about it. But I didn't get what I really wanted and now I feel like a child throwing a tantrum because I didn't get what I want.
I think this disappointment is especially difficult for me to deal with right now because there are other areas in my life I have recently been disappointed about. Sometimes I feel like God dangles something in front of me, making me want it and chase after it, only to rip it away soon after. I've talked to other Christians who have felt the same way. It's easy for us to begin to think of God as this detached, cruel dictator who does things or keeps us away from things just because He can or feels like it. It's difficult to remember the truth. The truth that God loves us and He wants to bless us with good things and the desires of our heart. But He knows and understands things we don't. He has plans for us and He knows our future. And this affects the things He allows or brings into our lives.
The thing I try to think of when I'm feeling like this and don't understand why God has done something is how children are taken care of by their parents. Adults and parents understand and know things that kids don't. When they discipline their children or don't allow their kids to do something, it's because it's the best for them. They are protecting and teaching them through this. They are showing their love. This is what God does. It doesn't always feel like it's out of love, but it is. Maybe God has something better for us when we are disappointed. Or maybe it just isn't the right timing. We may never know. But tomorrow is a new day and we always have hope.
Romans 5:5 NIV "And hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Feeling Stuck
Dear Feeling Stuck,
I think most of us feel stuck in one way or another at some point in our lives. Whether it's stuck at a job, in a relationship, in our spiritual walk, or just in general, it's hard to know what to do when you feel stuck.
I've felt stuck in my life circumstances for the past couple of months. I have wondered whether or not to leave my job and find something new. I've felt stuck with finances and not being able to move. I've also felt stuck spiritually. I've felt like God has been silent lately and has not answered my questions about what to do next in my life. There are a lot of unknowns in my life right now and those unknowns have filled me with overwhelming anxiety. My anxiety has caused me to question whether I've made the right decisions or followed the right path or let my apathy or fear hold me back...And the list goes on and on. But the biggest question I have that keeps me up at night is, "Am I wasting my life?"
One of my biggest fears is that one day I will look back on my life and realized I've wasted it. I think that fear is what causes most of my anxiety about what decisions to make and what I should do with my life. I don't want to make the wrong decision and end up down the wrong path and waste away years of, if not my entire, life. But the thing is, I shouldn't be worrying about this. I feel like God has been trying to show me this. Last week at church, one of the staff members came up to the front and said, "Our prayer team has the sense that there are some people here who feel stuck." As soon as he said that and then asked those of us to come forward and receive prayer, I knew that God was speaking directly to me. So I went forward and received prayer. There's something about having a stranger pray for you that's completely humbling and also an incredible blessing. I got emotional and started crying in the middle of it. But then that night I went home with the biggest sense of peace I have felt in a long time. In fact, I have continued to feel that peace since then.
Scripture says that if we trust in God, He will direct our paths and make them straight. It's not up to us to plan out our whole lives or even what the next step in our life is. I know I want it to be up to Him. He knows way better than we do what's best for us and He can see the whole picture, while we can only see a tiny speck. We have to trust that even though we may not be getting answers right now, we will eventually. Or maybe God has a reason for us to be "stuck" right where we are.
Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."
I think most of us feel stuck in one way or another at some point in our lives. Whether it's stuck at a job, in a relationship, in our spiritual walk, or just in general, it's hard to know what to do when you feel stuck.
I've felt stuck in my life circumstances for the past couple of months. I have wondered whether or not to leave my job and find something new. I've felt stuck with finances and not being able to move. I've also felt stuck spiritually. I've felt like God has been silent lately and has not answered my questions about what to do next in my life. There are a lot of unknowns in my life right now and those unknowns have filled me with overwhelming anxiety. My anxiety has caused me to question whether I've made the right decisions or followed the right path or let my apathy or fear hold me back...And the list goes on and on. But the biggest question I have that keeps me up at night is, "Am I wasting my life?"
One of my biggest fears is that one day I will look back on my life and realized I've wasted it. I think that fear is what causes most of my anxiety about what decisions to make and what I should do with my life. I don't want to make the wrong decision and end up down the wrong path and waste away years of, if not my entire, life. But the thing is, I shouldn't be worrying about this. I feel like God has been trying to show me this. Last week at church, one of the staff members came up to the front and said, "Our prayer team has the sense that there are some people here who feel stuck." As soon as he said that and then asked those of us to come forward and receive prayer, I knew that God was speaking directly to me. So I went forward and received prayer. There's something about having a stranger pray for you that's completely humbling and also an incredible blessing. I got emotional and started crying in the middle of it. But then that night I went home with the biggest sense of peace I have felt in a long time. In fact, I have continued to feel that peace since then.
Scripture says that if we trust in God, He will direct our paths and make them straight. It's not up to us to plan out our whole lives or even what the next step in our life is. I know I want it to be up to Him. He knows way better than we do what's best for us and He can see the whole picture, while we can only see a tiny speck. We have to trust that even though we may not be getting answers right now, we will eventually. Or maybe God has a reason for us to be "stuck" right where we are.
Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."
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