Vulnerability

I recently had a very good and interesting discussion with my small group from church about vulnerability. We watched this TED talk: Vulnerability  It was just so insightful and resonated with me in so many ways. Why IS it so hard to be vulnerable? Part of me knows that there are plenty of reasons why: fear of rejection, we don't want to be hurt, we don't want to be thought of as crazy, weird, needy, [insert whatever other adjective] here. Many of us still really care what other people think of us. I think a big thing too is the way our culture and society equate vulnerability with weakness. I've wrestled with this in regards to myself. When I see other people really be vulnerable and open and honest, I have a deep respect and admiration for them. I applaud them for their bravery and try to be as supportive as I can. But oftentimes, when I force myself to be really vulnerable, I cringe about it later. I berate myself and say, "Why did you act like that? Or why did you tell that person that?" This is hardest with people I really care about. When I open up and tell them things that are hard to say and often hard to hear, I play back the conversation in my head afterwards. I criticize myself for "revealing" too much or seeming "too weak". I know this is silly and ridiculous.

If we can't be our truest selves with those we really love, then what's the point? But it's hard because sometimes those we really care about don't respond well to our vulnerability. Our feelings get diminished or mocked. Sometimes they respond with anger and hostility. Or worse yet, total and complete indifference. And we end up sitting there wondering why in the world we even opened up our mouths in the first place. It's also hard to find people we can really be vulnerable with.  Unfortunately, not everyone that comes into our lives is the right person to be vulnerable with or trustworthy. Sometimes those we thought we could be vulnerable with become people we need to start guarding our heart around. It's a hard and confusing balance to figure out. It's something I've been particularly struggling with lately.

After discussing all this and more in my group, I have to say it was so encouraging to hear how other people struggle with being vulnerable too. It's a struggle because we know we should do it. We know that's how God wants us to live, not only for Him, but for ourselves. When we let our guards down around each other, that's when we really see each other. That's when we can truly encourage, support, and be there for one another. It's hard. It's awkward. It's painful and uncomfortable. But God never promised us it would be easy. He will help us though. I've seen it my own life and in others around me. We CAN change and grow.  And that is a wonderful thing.