Dear Annoyed with People That Ask About Your Love Life,
I am constantly in situations where I deal with this. Whether it's with family I haven't seen in a while or old friends I run into, I am always being asked about my love life. And when you've been single as long as I have, this starts to wear on you. I don't mind when people I haven't seen in a really long time ask me about it because I know they don't know. I certainly don't mind if my close friends ask because that's rare and they know that I will bring it up and tell them. In fact, it's not really the asking that bothers me. It's the way many of them react when I tell them I'm single.
I know as a society we have come a long way from viewing women as solely being housewives and having their main purpose in life be to marry and have children. Nowadays, the idea of women being independent and having successful careers outside of the home is often the norm. Many women juggle their careers and being a mother at the same time. They are also getting married a lot later in life. But sometimes I feel like we haven't completely let go of the idea that if a woman is not married or a mother, then there is something wrong. I have felt this implied in conversations with others. I have recognized this in my own emotions and feelings about being single. Sometimes I feel embarrassed or I don't know if it's the right word, but ashamed to be single. "Are you dating anyone?" and "How's your love life?" have become dreaded questions of mine. It's why I often don't want to see people from high school because I feel like if I am still single, I am failing at life somehow (it also doesn't help that about 80% of my graduating class is married by now). I know usually people don't mean anything by it but it's how I feel.
I also can't stand the pity. Just because I'm single does not mean you need to pity me. I am not dying. I do not have some horrible disease. I am not an old maid. Yet, somehow I often end up feeling like one of these things is true when I tell someone I'm single. Case in point: I went to a friend from high school's wedding a couple of years ago. At the wedding, I ran into a couple I knew from high school. They had been high school sweethearts and had gotten married a few years before. I was talking to them when suddenly the girl asked me who I was there with. I just shrugged and said "No one." And she went "Awww!" and gave me this pitying look. It made me feel about three inches tall. I know she didn't mean to be rude or make me feel that way. But again, it's the implication that because I am alone at a wedding, I must be sad, or you should feel sorry for me. Believe me, I wallow in enough of my own self-pity, I don't want or need anymore.
Now, please don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that I don't appreciate relatives and friends that want me to be with someone. I do. I am so grateful to have people in my life that really care. I especially appreciate the empathetic ears of friends who understand this. I have a single close friend who has told me stories about how when she gets together with some of her family, the entire conversation often turns to why she isn't married yet and if she's dating anyone. She has ended up sitting there while many of her relatives discuss her love life (or lack thereof) and tell her to try online dating (which she has multiple times). On a side note: just a piece of advice to those who know someone who is single. Please don't suggest online dating to them. Trust me, most of the time they have either already tried it and not succeeded or will eventually decide on their own to try it. I know you're just trying to help but it often just comes out sounding like some cure-all band-aid to fix our problem of being single. I am not dissing online dating here. I know several couples who are now married because they met online. I know it works for people and am so glad it does! But again please, unless we specifically ask you what we should do, don't suggest it.
I know all of this may make me sound rude and irritated with people. I have definitely been convicted of this many times. I know I need to be more understanding and not sensitive when people say certain things. I know they don't mean to be rude or insensitive. It's something I've been working on and God has shown me that I need to continue to work on. I just need to focus on God and His purpose and plan for me. Not what other people think. If you're struggling with the same thing, just remember that you can't control how people act but you can control how you react. And God would want you to react with love and understanding. Not frustration or annoyance.
I have the verse below highlighted in my Bible. Years ago when I highlighted it, I wrote in the margin next to it "My goal." It's definitely one of my life goals and something I try to remember whenever I start to get annoyed with another question about my love life.
Ephesians 4:2 NIV "Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love."
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
All By Myself (Part Two)
Dear Lonely,
In my previous post, I talked mostly about all the emotions I struggle with when I'm feeling lonely. I wanted to focus on the emotions because I want to be completely honest about my struggle. Now, I want to offer some encouragement and truth to those that are also struggling with loneliness and those same emotions. Loneliness is still one of my biggest struggles and although I have grown in this area a lot throughout the years, I know I'm still a work in progress. But, I want to offer two major things I have learned:
1) Nothing, aside from the Lord, truly makes loneliness better. There are things that may seem to make it better or more bearable, but in the end they never satisfy. Even good things can't fulfill our deepest desires and needs. For example, friends are great and important to have as a support system but they can't become our only support. God should be first. Our interests and hobbies can also be great distractions but again they can't give us everything we need.
Then of course there's sin. I know sin seems so much more appealing when you're lonely. I know it's tempting to turn to things like alcohol or drugs to numb the pain. Or to just sleep around or to turn to pornography or whatever else to make the loneliness disappear. If you're deep in any sin right now, I want to say something to you. I am not condemning or judging anyone here-that is not my intention. But you are in bondage. (I'm talking to myself too here) I know doing whatever we want and sinning seems like we're free, but we're really not. We're in bondage to our flesh and our desires and we always end up feeling more empty in the end. God loves you and does not want to see you in bondage. He is not there to condemn you or make you feel guilty. He just wants to set you free from your sin. But you have to turn to Him.
2) You are not alone. I know it may feel like no one-including God- is around, but He always is. God sometimes withdraws the sense of His presence in our lives to help us grow in our faith. But it doesn't mean He has completely left us. He promised in the Bible to never leave or forsake us. And God can't lie. So you can rest in this: you are never alone. God reminded me of this earlier this year. It was right before my birthday and I was just feeling incredibly lonely and sad that I didn't have anyone special to spend it with. I was in my room and I had Pandora playing on my phone. I started praying and then started crying because I was just so upset about still being single and getting older. Then this song came on: "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North. It's a Christian song and Christian songs rarely come up on my Pandora station because I just normally don't have it set to any. But it came on and I didn't pay attention at first to it because I was crying. But then suddenly I heard the lyrics: "Why are you crying?" And I just stopped and listened. The lyrics were exactly what I needed to hear. I know that God used them to speak to me and to let me know He was still there. By the end of the song, I was crying and laughing at the same time because I knew that He had used it to get my attention. It still makes me cry sometimes when I hear it. Go here to listen to it. I hope it encourages you and brings you comfort.
Psalm 9:10 NIV "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you Lord have never forsaken those who seek you."
In my previous post, I talked mostly about all the emotions I struggle with when I'm feeling lonely. I wanted to focus on the emotions because I want to be completely honest about my struggle. Now, I want to offer some encouragement and truth to those that are also struggling with loneliness and those same emotions. Loneliness is still one of my biggest struggles and although I have grown in this area a lot throughout the years, I know I'm still a work in progress. But, I want to offer two major things I have learned:
1) Nothing, aside from the Lord, truly makes loneliness better. There are things that may seem to make it better or more bearable, but in the end they never satisfy. Even good things can't fulfill our deepest desires and needs. For example, friends are great and important to have as a support system but they can't become our only support. God should be first. Our interests and hobbies can also be great distractions but again they can't give us everything we need.
Then of course there's sin. I know sin seems so much more appealing when you're lonely. I know it's tempting to turn to things like alcohol or drugs to numb the pain. Or to just sleep around or to turn to pornography or whatever else to make the loneliness disappear. If you're deep in any sin right now, I want to say something to you. I am not condemning or judging anyone here-that is not my intention. But you are in bondage. (I'm talking to myself too here) I know doing whatever we want and sinning seems like we're free, but we're really not. We're in bondage to our flesh and our desires and we always end up feeling more empty in the end. God loves you and does not want to see you in bondage. He is not there to condemn you or make you feel guilty. He just wants to set you free from your sin. But you have to turn to Him.
2) You are not alone. I know it may feel like no one-including God- is around, but He always is. God sometimes withdraws the sense of His presence in our lives to help us grow in our faith. But it doesn't mean He has completely left us. He promised in the Bible to never leave or forsake us. And God can't lie. So you can rest in this: you are never alone. God reminded me of this earlier this year. It was right before my birthday and I was just feeling incredibly lonely and sad that I didn't have anyone special to spend it with. I was in my room and I had Pandora playing on my phone. I started praying and then started crying because I was just so upset about still being single and getting older. Then this song came on: "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North. It's a Christian song and Christian songs rarely come up on my Pandora station because I just normally don't have it set to any. But it came on and I didn't pay attention at first to it because I was crying. But then suddenly I heard the lyrics: "Why are you crying?" And I just stopped and listened. The lyrics were exactly what I needed to hear. I know that God used them to speak to me and to let me know He was still there. By the end of the song, I was crying and laughing at the same time because I knew that He had used it to get my attention. It still makes me cry sometimes when I hear it. Go here to listen to it. I hope it encourages you and brings you comfort.
Psalm 9:10 NIV "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you Lord have never forsaken those who seek you."
All By Myself (Part One)
Dear Lonely,
Everyone experiences loneliness. Not always in the sense of being single. Some may not have a support system of family and friends around them-whether temporarily or for a long time. Others may feel like they have lots of friends but no one they can really turn to or talk to. And others are lonely within relationships like marriages. I've never experienced that kind of loneliness but I can only imagine how awful that must be. I've experienced all kinds of loneliness in varying degrees but the one I relate to the most is being single when you don't want to be.
I go through many different emotions when I'm lonely. In fact, loneliness makes me a little crazy. Sometimes I wallow in self-pity and think "I'm going to be alone forever!" Other times I just cry and beg God to take away the pain and the desire to have someone. Then there are times where I literally feel like I can't stand being alone for one more second. That's when I get angry and frustrated. That's when I drown myself in distractions (and chocolate) and avoid God-except to yell at Him for not giving me what I want.
It's the worst when I see couples walking around flaunting their happiness (even though they're not trying to). A perfect example of this is the movie 500 Days of Summer. There's a part in the movie where Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character has just been dumped. He sees a couple holding hands while walking down the street and yells, "Get a room!" I laughed so hard when I first saw that part because I have thought the exact same thing so many times.
I know that these emotions and feelings can be funny at times but I also know how painful and difficult they can be. That is the reason why it affects me so deeply whenever I see someone else struggling with loneliness. In my small group at church, there is a woman in her 50's. She's been married and divorced twice. She is single now. A few weeks ago, she broke down and started talking about how lonely she was. She talked about how she just wanted someone to be there, to hold her, and to talk to. She said, "I know I have Jesus but it's not the same thing because it's not right there in front of me." My heart broke for her because I knew exactly how she felt. I can't even begin to describe what it's like sometimes. There have been times where I've been curled up in a ball, sobbing, because I could almost physically feel the pain of wanting someone.
I know that some people may not understand this-why I feel this way about being single. Some may even think it's silly and insignificant because others struggle with worse things. I know that people have much bigger problems and are dealing with horrific things. I remind myself constantly of that. But that still shouldn't discredit the pain that myself and so many others feel about this. I know God doesn't. I know He cares about anything that causes us pain or distress. And I know He's there even when we feel utterly alone.
Psalm 34:17-18 NIV "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Everyone experiences loneliness. Not always in the sense of being single. Some may not have a support system of family and friends around them-whether temporarily or for a long time. Others may feel like they have lots of friends but no one they can really turn to or talk to. And others are lonely within relationships like marriages. I've never experienced that kind of loneliness but I can only imagine how awful that must be. I've experienced all kinds of loneliness in varying degrees but the one I relate to the most is being single when you don't want to be.
I go through many different emotions when I'm lonely. In fact, loneliness makes me a little crazy. Sometimes I wallow in self-pity and think "I'm going to be alone forever!" Other times I just cry and beg God to take away the pain and the desire to have someone. Then there are times where I literally feel like I can't stand being alone for one more second. That's when I get angry and frustrated. That's when I drown myself in distractions (and chocolate) and avoid God-except to yell at Him for not giving me what I want.
It's the worst when I see couples walking around flaunting their happiness (even though they're not trying to). A perfect example of this is the movie 500 Days of Summer. There's a part in the movie where Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character has just been dumped. He sees a couple holding hands while walking down the street and yells, "Get a room!" I laughed so hard when I first saw that part because I have thought the exact same thing so many times.
I know that these emotions and feelings can be funny at times but I also know how painful and difficult they can be. That is the reason why it affects me so deeply whenever I see someone else struggling with loneliness. In my small group at church, there is a woman in her 50's. She's been married and divorced twice. She is single now. A few weeks ago, she broke down and started talking about how lonely she was. She talked about how she just wanted someone to be there, to hold her, and to talk to. She said, "I know I have Jesus but it's not the same thing because it's not right there in front of me." My heart broke for her because I knew exactly how she felt. I can't even begin to describe what it's like sometimes. There have been times where I've been curled up in a ball, sobbing, because I could almost physically feel the pain of wanting someone.
I know that some people may not understand this-why I feel this way about being single. Some may even think it's silly and insignificant because others struggle with worse things. I know that people have much bigger problems and are dealing with horrific things. I remind myself constantly of that. But that still shouldn't discredit the pain that myself and so many others feel about this. I know God doesn't. I know He cares about anything that causes us pain or distress. And I know He's there even when we feel utterly alone.
Psalm 34:17-18 NIV "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
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